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07.23.2001 HOW RIVERSIDE WILL BEAT MANCHESTER UNITED For many years, the bar talk has been about the possibility of a Man U/ Riverside match. Although the probability is unlikely because of the tight tournament and league schedules for both teams, a home and away fixture would sure fill the coffers of both clubs. I have been asked by many in the media how I think we would fare against the millionaire red devils. Well, the easiest way to predict this, would be to look at the match-ups and see how the totals add up... First the management: Riverside has Lonnie and Skip. Almost always with beer in hand. Man lover has Sir Alex F. Tactical genius and winner of every club title. The departure of Martin Duke as sub-lord gives the points to Riverside. In The Pipes: Riverside has "The Scarecrow" Gil Leflore. Man sap has Mark Bosnich and van der Guow as back up. Since Gil can't kick but can throw about as far as the others can punt, added to the fact that the reds will have to use both keepers (see below) will cause this to be a push. Defense versus Offense: Riverside has an incredibly slow defense and is proud of this fact. They continue to do everything in their power to keep it this way. Unmanly United has international strikers Andy Cole and Dwight York with "the baby face assassin" Solskjaer on the bench. First lets start with Cole, just foul him. This job goes to Lulu. York, can't get his country out of CONCACAFF, so just foul him. This is a double job going to Mike Putney and Craig Bell. The game will look like a Millwall/Wimbledon nil-nil draw. As long as they keep Sheringham on the bench, we could probably keep them down to two goals at Old Trafford and one at home. Point going to Womanchester. Central Midfield: Keane and Scholes versus Jose and Craig "Pink" Tull. Speed and Strength versus Motrin and the Back Heel. Point to Riverside as long as Nicky Butt is on the bench drinking lager with Lonnie and Skip. Right Outside Half: Spice Boy David Beckham versus Sean "Puffy" Currens and Skip "Studs-Up" Henson. It looks like the skill of 'Becks will be negated by the rapier wit of Sean and Henson. Let's face facts, a good tongue lashing and Beckham will be red carded for some stupid feeble foul attempt. Beckham has way too many skeletons in the closet for Skip and Sean to let him get away without some pointed jibes. (Everyone would wear Poshe's panties, but no one would tell the press) Point goes to Riverside. Left Outside Half: Ryan Giggs versus . . . .It doesn't matter. He's Welsh, he's a stud, point to Man U. Offense versus Defense: WomanChestHavers U have Jaap Stam, Dennis Irwin, and the Neville brothers among their back line players. Riverside puts up Left-Footed Paul and Mark Weimer. Any through ball will put Weimer through on goal, normally for a miss way wide. The Left-Footed Paul / Dennis Irwin match up would look like a fine street fight. The gate on this alone would pay for Martin Moreno's testimonial game. No points. 
This is how the games would run... At Old Trafford: Man U is all over the field of play. Ryan Giggs scores after a series of seventy-three passes. Off the ensuing kick-off Beckham is red carded for a foul from behind on Skip. Later at the press conference, he admits to not understanding all of the words that Skip used. Foul after foul occur and half time is called. All but twenty Man U fans leave during the interval trying to beat the rush home. Second half is called ten minuted in because Sky-Sports decides not to show the rest of the game. Result: Man U wins, one - nil. At home, crap downtown fields: After being dared to a pre-game drinking contest only seven Manu U "men" are able to take the field. Jaap Stam is taken to a hospital and given Rogaine treatments. Dwight York is deported, thanks to the legal work of Skip. Phil and Gary Neville have to be put in extensive Freudian counseling due to the fact that, in a drunken stupor, Phil Ross convinces them that they aren't really related. Roy Keane, a fine drinker, a fine footballer, but not a fine drinking footballer, vomits throughout the match (Mostly on Andy Cole). Weimer scores two on a bleary eyed Bosnich before he lapses into a coma. Drinking and playing football, as perfected by Riverside, rule the day. Result Riverside wins, two-nil and win on aggregate. Lonnie M James III |
