Rutting season is over. Sperm has been moved. Now if everyone has their new dance partner, we can get back to the business at hand. We inflict injury on all those in opposition. Pain is our business, and business is good.

I heard it through the wire that Riverside might be moved into Division 1. Whoop-de-dippidy-doo. This would be an obvious move in any normal soccer league, due to our exemplary final form in our championship last season. We are talking about COASL, so anything could happen. They may finally realize that there is a league other than the MLS (or do they still call that Mexican league tres')

I hope those vagina monologs in D1are ready for what's getting released on them, a Riverside boot in a vital area. Our record might not look as good at seasons end but I can guarantee that every pansy team we play will lose something. Riverside is going to score goals and take souvenirs. A case of beer goes to the first Riversider to stomp the skull of an opponent. (Extra case if the skull is placed on a curb.)

There are going to be players wives and girlfriends (wait, these players probably have significant male others) who are going to be wondering what happened to their manhood as well as their testicles.

As for Division 2, So Long Suckers.

The racial slurs and drugging of our opponents worked. We are champions. You have lost to beer drinking old men. You will have to wake up to the fact that when you look in the mirror, all you will see is a loser to Riverside. You might as well find a means to off yourselves and stop the embarrassment to your family and loved ones. You are pathetic and anything else you might accomplish in your lives will never erase this stain from your pathetic existence. It would be best if you slimed back under the rock you came from. If you lost to us, maybe soccer isn't your game . . . perhaps a spelling contest.

I hear you in your whimpering, "Riverside will soon be back in Division 2, and they won't win in the top flight." You better hope we stay up, 'cause if we come back down, all it means for you is another ass kickin'.



Once again, it's time for the pre-season team predictions:

Blinky's tape ball will grow so large that there will be a terrible accident when it rolls out of control and destroys a trailer park killing three meth dealers

Scuba Steve will explode, like the drummer from Spinal Tap, during the first game and all that will be left is a patch of scalp with very little hair

Artic Chong will arrive back in time for the play-offs with candid photos not appropriate for the website (lets just say they involve a hairy Oklahoman and an endangered mammal species)

Ginger, during a dribbling session at midfield, will foul himself so hard that his foot will actually turn backward, this will improve his shooting

Chris will be convinced by some eastern European vixen that growing his hair out would make him more virile, he gets the double whammy when he becomes impotent and his hair grows in to look like Phil's

Chimney will win the golden boot due to the breakout game in which he scored 6 goals; we lose the game 4 to 2

Jason scoring a hat trick and then gets kicked out of the game for two hard tackles. Everyone is in shock as he takes his ejection without a word. A national holiday is enacted and Marti Gras is moved from New Orleans to OKC

Ben perfects to two footed drop kick to the chest and is immediately touted by the European press as the new midfielder for the French National Team

Keith Friendofben finally snaps and brings a high power rifle to the game, unfortunately/fortunately he will forget the bullets and end up bludgeoning two Riversiders and a goat in the parking lot (stew will be served)

Martin Marino-the-Chia-pet, returns to the thundering cries of "Baby", although they are cries that Skip makes in the throws of passion

Ronnie once again overheats during a game and passes out while driving, luckily just as he loses consciousness, he hits the Martinez button on his car and it miraculously drives him to Luis' house

Ted has stats of 4-4-2 for the season. Four fights with Ben. Four fights with opposition player. Two goals off of parts of his body other than his feet

Phil will be mistaken for a German porn star by three visiting Munich models during the Oktoberfest tournament. They will applaud his on-field performance and invite him to festivities in the beer tent. The total experience will disappoint two of them but will be an unforgettable evening for Fritz.

Andy finds out his family is really from Ohio and they taught him his accents as a sick family joke. He becomes Amish, changes his name to Jonah, starts wearing overalls and farming. He ends the season with 5 goals in work boots. He will miss the Queen.

Kevin finally completes his upstairs den, he is bricked in by Allene during a family quarrel, and he lives happily ever after.

Luis will complete his statewide tour of government facilities which will allow Lord Henson more EBay purchases.

Puffy comes back as a guest player and lasts five minutes, his ejection is precipitated by asking about the referee's heritage, after committing a textbook American football open field tackle on a Hooper.

As for me, Lord Henson will put me on an "already been digested and beer" diet. The only food you can eat is food that has already been through the digestive tract of another organism. The beer part means you can drink as much beer as Lord Henson. I lose 45 pounds due to not eating but gain 23 inches on my beer belly.

Skip brings light to the world, mumbles on the sideline, drinks beer, slide tackles, same old same old.

Season prediction: we barely make playoffs, lose in final, after 17 cards and three ejections, on 78th minute PK given by baboon in ref's uniform

Raise your glass to another Riverside season.
Release the Kraken.

Love and fish sticks,
Gaffer