We are champions. Women swoon. Children cry. Cattle Stampede. Beer sales skyrocket. Scuba protects our country. Luis is still short. The planet spins and God is in the Heavens. All is right with the world

But, there is a question.

What is wrong with these people? How pathetic do you have to be, to be beaten by Riverside? My god, we start half a team that is over forty. We are old enough to be most of the Scram-bled players parents. I'm not saying that we slept with any of their moms. We won't admit to anything without DNA testing and polygraphs. (Well, maybe Gil did)

Here is what the domino effect of Riverside causes: You lose to Riverside. Your life sucks and you have to explain to your wives and girlfriends that you were beaten by Riverside. These women are now reevaluating what is wrong with them for choosing these men as potential mates. If these women have successfully mated with these men, (probably having to explain the process so the men could perform correctly) they now have offspring who are genetically deficient. It's that whole "sins of the father" placed on the son's argument. (Nature versus Nurture) Is it true that if your parents suck, then they will give you a gene that also makes you suck?

Or, is a defeat to Riverside just another blip on an ever downward spiral of life choices? Either way, you have to step back and wonder what went wrong with your life and question whether the whole heavenly host is laughing at your existence.

So, the question becomes, how do you beat Riverside? Let's see, you could try to foul us. This is probably not a good idea. One should choose better the hill on which they die. This would rate up their with that Custer decision at the Little Big Horn.

You could try and pick up younger, faster, skilled players. Others have tried this with a modicum of success. We run less, hit harder, laugh more, and become more notorious with every success. Nobody likes us, and we don't care.

So, what will the opposition do in the off season of their summer? They will crawl back to their caves and scheme. They will politic in the hopes that Riverside will be moved to another division. They will try to get new players to lose their battles. They will sacrifice to their paltry idols. Will they read tea leaves and brew magical potion in the hopes of placing some bad mojo on the express train that is Riverside? They might even train.

They should just accept the universe as it exists. They are losers.

Riverside are winners. America loves winners. Always has, always will.

Riverside My heart swells and tear is in my eye as I congratulate your success. See you in Dallas.

Lonnie James,
Gaffer